Sylvie Cafardy, a geriatrician, has accompanied many people – and their families – at the end of their lives. Her work is based on a fascinating and rigorous study of IME stories and their possible explanations. In particular, she shows how these stories can sometimes contribute to calming people at the end of life.
Her work and her book invite us to go beyond our instinctive fear of death. She encourages us to tame this fundamental anguish, without masking the difficulties.
Our last moments can be an opportunity to reconcile ourselves with ourselves, with our loved ones and with our lives. Our consciousness will be soothed, even though our body will be “at the end of its life”. Accompanying our loved ones in these moments can also allow us to show them our love once again – or for the first time. For, as the author says, “the only thing of real value in life is love”.
Here are a few extracts from this book, which I highly recommend you read.
Dying doesn’t have to be horrible
Over the years, in my many encounters with dying patients and their families, I have come to realize the truth of what those who have had near-death experiences have taught me: death doesn’t have to be a horrible moment. It can be serene. Provided the patient has had the time and opportunity to heal his relationship with those around him and with his own history. But this takes time and energy. It’s a task that takes time and energy, not only for the patient himself, but also for his loved ones and the caregivers who assist him.
The visions of the dying must be welcomed and taken into account
Near-death experiences and visions of the dying have many elements in common: in each of these experiences, there are visions of a wonderful light, of beings of light or of deceased relatives, evoking feelings of peace and joy. As in an NDE, the patient becomes aware that he or she is about to die. But this does not frighten them.
The main difference is that, in an NDE, the witness perceives himself outside his body. They are unable to communicate with those around them. In the visions of the dying, on the other hand, the patient feels very much present in his body. They can continue to talk normally with those around them.
All caregivers should be aware of the existence of such visions, know how to recognize them, and be able to listen to the patient without passing judgment or seeking to respond with medication. In fact, for healthcare teams, these visions have a dual benefit.
First and foremost, they have great therapeutic value: in the majority of cases, these visions soothe the patient’s anguish and moral suffering. They enable them to stop fearing their coming death, and to look forward to it with serenity. When their loved ones are aware of them, they can also have a calming effect on them. These visions also have a prognostic value: when a patient at the end of life calmly and lucidly describes the presence of a great light, beings of light or deceased relatives, it’s time to warn his family that he’s about to die.
Taking stock of our life helps us to leave it more serenely
Taking stock of our lives is an essential step in our psychological evolution, and not only in the case of near-death experiences. We’ll all be doing it, whether we like it or not, as we approach the end of our lives.
Professor Vicki Jackson, head of the palliative care department at Massachusetts General Hospital, has also seen the importance of this life review and the realizations it brings. She understands that, to keep her patients’ spirits high despite their illness, she and her team must encourage them to achieve what is truly important to them while they still have the means to do so. In other words, without waiting for their health to deteriorate.
Defining your life goals
How do they work? They intervene in conjunction with oncologists as soon as a cancer diagnosis is announced. Without waiting to know whether the patient will survive or not. Once the traumatic effect of the diagnosis has passed, the palliative care team takes the time to establish a relationship of trust with the patient. The team then helps the patient to express his or her life goals during an interview:
- Are you worried about your future? – Patient response.
- What would happen if you got sicker? What would this mean for you and your family? – Patient’s answer.
- What would be really important to you? – Patient’s answer.
- So do it now.
The fact that patients were able to take stock of their lives, while they still had the strength to correct what they regretted and accomplish what was important to them, improved their morale and health to the point of increasing their life expectancy! And this was only possible because the taboo of death had been broken, and the possibility of their demise announced to them early enough.
Talking sets us free
To help our patients at the end of life to die serenely, it is essential to accompany them – and their loved ones – so that they can come together. So that they can talk to each other, forgive each other and say goodbye. Because these last moments are liberating. For those who are leaving, as well as for those who remain. But how can we talk to each other when the fear of death binds tongues and hearts? Stories of near-death experiences are a proven remedy for this fear.
At the end of our lives, we all take stock. But we are often too hard on ourselves. Regret sets in, gnawing at us and plunging us into great suffering. Then we need the help of those who love us. To see the good we leave behind, reconcile with ourselves and find peace.
Regrets and unresolved conflicts are powerful chains. Powerful enough to prevent a body at the end of its rope from letting itself die. But a simple act of forgiveness is all it takes to undo them. But we need to know this, and give everyone the time and means to grant it.
There’s always love
All those families we accompanied taught us that, even when you think there’s nothing left, there’s still love. For it was love, and love alone, that kept these men and women alive. As long as a knot remains – the feeling of not having fulfilled one’s mission towards one’s loved ones, of not having said goodbye or not having been forgiven – no matter how hard we push them towards the exit, they resist with astonishing strength. To find these knots, to help undo them by enabling the dying person and those close to him or her to come together and talk. Such is our mission as caregivers during this stage of life, which fully deserves the name of “denouement”.
An essential step that should be followed through to completion. Essential for those who remain. For it is the starting point for the long mourning process that will one day enable them to return to a normal life. Essential for those who are leaving. For it is here that he naturally undoes the last ties that bind him to life.
Love is all that remains at the end of life
All that matters is love. When we take stock of our lives, everything we usually value – daring feats, popularity, power, money, work, sex or pleasure – will seem derisory. Then we’ll understand that the only thing of real value in life is love. And all the gestures, great and small, through which it has been expressed. This will be the only treasure we can take with us when we, in turn, cross life’s horizon.
To find out more, here is a link to the presentation of Sylvie Cafardy’s book on Babelio and to a video with doctors Sylvie Cafardy and François Lallier.
On the same subject: the article on end-of-life experiences; the article on Christopher Kerr’s work in palliative care; and Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s testimony.
